I don't know where you are just now. Just that, I do feel you close to me. You are there, somewhere.
Not so close. Yet, not too far away either.
This is your 3rd birthday without you. This day has always been so special for us and for you too. For you always liked celebrating the day and would get upset if we didn't remember it.
It's been a little over two and a half years since you left for a better world. To say that we miss you will never encapsulate what we feel without you.
I miss you, dadaji. It's difficult without you. I know you are still there very close to me. I feel you. Yes, I truly do.
On days, when I need you the most, I dream of you. And it's truly magical how you know exactly what to say even then. Every morning after, I tell Pushkar I dreamt of you again. He smiles.
Sometimes, I feel life would have been so different had you been around with us... physically. At times, I feel lonely, dadaji... too lonely. For me, you were not a grandfather... but my parent, my guardian, my best friend and guide. With you gone, there is a void. A void that will never fill.
When I go home, even after all this time, I look for you. In some corner of my heart dwells a hope that you will be waiting for me there. And when I don't find you, a part of me breaks.
The truth is I fear going home now. I fear having to face it again. I fear that pain and anguish of not finding you there.
I know what you'll say to this. You will explain to me that death is an inseparable part of life. That it comes. It must. To every one. It is a truth that we all must learn to live with.
Dadaji, I have not been able to come to terms with it. And may be I'll never be able to. I have seen it before. When Mumma left us. But it was different then. May be I was too young to understand it then. Yes, I'm older today. Yet, I don't understand it even now.
Why did you have to go away? Why?
That question will always haunt me.
Life has moved on. Today, I lead a married life. Married to a person who cares for me and loves me just the way you wanted my spouse to. Every girl looks for her father in her future husband. But in Pushkar, I found you. And may be that's what made me love him so much.
Yet, there's something amiss. It's you. My life feels incomplete. There's not a day when I don't think or talk about you. You were and still are the most important part of me.
Yes, I know I must learn to live with it. Time heals. But every day, I miss you even more. I yearn to talk to you, spend my mornings with you, listen to what you have to tell me.
I miss it all.
And above all, I miss you the most, dadaji.
Happy Birthday! I will still celebrate this day for you. Of course, I remember all that you love to do on your birthday. The children will get sweets and biscuits like always. And it will be South Indian food followed by an ice cream.
And amidst all this, I will look for you. Your smiling face. And I know you will be there...
Blogdosts, it's Dadaji's birthday today. A part of me is crying, while the heart tell me to go out and celebrate it for him. Yes, I will always celebrate him and the life he lived. That's how he was. No temples or pujas (religious ceremony) for him. Instead, children and family.
Please take a moment to wish him. He will love it. Even more if you tell him I told you to do it. He will be happier to know I remembered... like always.