Last week, I spoke about the backward journey I was about to begin, to make good of all the time lost, to revoke the damage done in this last one year and my tribute to Dadaji.

On December 18, it was a year since Dadaji went. It was around the same time last year when he had starting working on publishing my book. Our last conversation had been about it and I was to send him the proof-read copy the following weekend. And that Friday, the unexpected happened and left us all in a state of denial and shock.

Last Saturday, we held a small prayer service in his memory and it was then, I presented the first copy of my book to him - Armaan (desire). The dream to see the happiness and pride in his eyes will remain unfulfilled, but I'm happy that he had read it. The book that was to be a surprise for him is now a tribute.

Blogdosts, Armaan, my second book of Hindi poems released on December 18. There is largely a feeling of contentment and satisfaction. Though I wanted to see the book in Dadaji's hand, I'm sure wherever he may be, he is looking upon us and I hope he is happy.
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Yes, I have been away for a long long time now. The last I wrote was some time in October and it's already December! Time flies, I tell you.

And no, I haven't been away due to bloggers' block or something. All this while, I was working on something I wish I had done long long ago.

Something that will remain a dream even after its realization.

Something that will remain incomplete even after completion.

A week from now, it will be a year since Dadaji (grandfather) left us. Or better put, left the mortal world; For he is still there, somewhere; For I can still feel his presence around me.

All this year, I have questioned myself about life, about death. Suddenly everything seemed so hollow, so inconsequential. The day it all happened and the days following it seem a blur. Our bodies worked mechanically. And each day since then, I tell myself - He was with us this time last year. This fact deepens the loss, makes it more unbearable to think of all those lost moments/occasions I could have spent with him.

But then, isn't life always so beautiful in retrospection!? It's only at times like these when you realize that time does not wait nor does life.

This one year, we cried, we laughed, we worked, we lived. Life did not stop then and it still goes on. Life still gave its fair share of happiness, surprises, disappointment, sorrow.

The vacuum remained. There was and is always something amiss. And I know that at many moments of this past year, I have not been how he would have wanted/expected me to be. At times, I reacted impulsively and at others, I lost my cool too quickly. I knew he would scold me, had he been around.

To say that I have regrets, is true.

I regret for not being what he taught me to be.

I regret not acting how he always wanted me to.

I regret for crying out my helplessness and not counting my strengths.

I regret for letting my sorrows take over me.

I regret for turning a blind eye towards all the blessings he left behind for me.

How much of this I can restore, I know not. All I know is, wherever he may be watching me from, he will not be very happy.

To say that his absence made me do what I did would be more hurting to him. For he made a strong person of me, a person who withstood all troubles and sorrows without a frown. And he was proud of me.

My backward journey begins now - to make amends, to restore peace, to bring back the lost happiness.

A year later, I have let people and circumstances affect me and that brought out the worst in me. It is now that I need to tread back, for it is now or it will never be.

Dadaji, a week from now, I will complete a task that you left half done. And that will be my tribute to you. And all that I do now towards accomplishing the dreams you saw through my eyes are my goals. I went astray, I fell weak and lost my way without you. Now no more. I can feel you close to me and I can see the disappointment in your eyes. Now, no more.

For now, I will be what you always wanted, I will do what you always said and I will act how you taught me to. And I know you know all that I did, you understand why I did that and you will forgive me.

Blogdosts, A week from now, I will bring forward my tribute for Dadaji. I have spent the last few months in preparing it. Though I cannot make good of the time lost, I am trying to value what I have left with me now.

Till then, take care and stay precious :)