Neha
Does this happen with you too? All week, you hate getting out of the bed, stealing those five minutes of sleep from your already-late routine. But on Saturday morning, when you are adamant on sleeping till noon, your eyes pop open at 6.30 am and refuse to sleep. That's exactly what happened with me this last weekend! I tried to pamper and subsequently curse myself to sleep, but nothing worked.

So there I was, wide awake at 6.30 am on a Saturday morning. To make good of the early hours, I did get myself into action and....
  • Made myself ginger tea and savored the newspaper, something I hadn't done for weeks.
  • Prepared a to-do list with all the work that had been piling up for ages!
  • Got myself to dust and clean even before the maid showed up!
  • Got ready early and was out of the house by 10!!!
So that was me on a Saturday morning. Impressive, huh! All the list of work also included going to a Goonj centre. Well, I had these two bags full of clothes in perfect condition, I hadn't worn for over a year. What better way to ensure that they reached people who really need them.

Along with other things, there was also this visit to the bank, on my to-do list. With the way these private banks have automated everything and made it all so convenient that it is absolute pleasure to see how quickly your job is done and of course, how well they manage your account! So, there I was at this bank inquiring about their products etc.

While the executive went to bring me some leaflets and papers, I noticed an elderly gentleman on the counter next to me. He was instructing the executive what to do with his investments. I watched him intently. The way he sat, talked, motioned with his right hand and adjusted the pile of papers in front of him. And before I realized, there was this sudden stream of tears running down my cheeks! Yes, I was crying! Right in the centre of a bank with at least a dozen strangers not more than ten feet away from me.

And wait. I was not only crying. I was sobbing away! All this before I could brush aside the sudden swell of emotion or even reach for a tissue from my handbag.

Why?

The gentleman had this uncanny resemblance to Dadaji (my grandfather). It's been not even a year since he left us. He visits me almost every day in my dreams. I talk to him, share everything with him...all in my dream. And here was this person, who was so similar to him.

Suddenly, the gentleman looked towards me, smiled, got up and left. I could not smile back. I was still too overwhelmed to react. Just then, I heard the executive's hurried steps behind me. Before she reached the counter, I excused myself to the water station. Soon after, I collected the papers and walked out, not looking anyone in the eye, lest they see my swollen eyes and red nose tip!

I walked sullenly towards home, thinking about what just happened.

Was it really me who just broke down in the middle of a crowded bank?

Was it really me who could not keep a check on her emotions?!

Was it really me who cried, almost like a baby, in front of all those people?

Guess it's all those pent up emotions that gave way to tears that day.

All said and done, I miss him a lot.

I still haven't found a way to deal with life without him. I still find myself helpless in situations where I need his advice.

When I call up home, I have this strong urge to ask about him. Then, the realization comes gushing in. He is not there anymore. He won't talk to me on the phone like he used to. And I cannot complain to him about everything around me, like I used to.

And I still talk to him the way I used to. I feel that he is listening to me. When I look at his pictures, I feel he is saying something to me.

To say that life has moved on, would be incorrect. It's only time that has passed. This time has not healed the wound. With every passing day, the realization of the loss gets deeper.

I don't know how much more time it will take me, but with what happened last Saturday, I realize I'm still inconsolable.

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4 Responses
  1. For some moments in life there are no words,i know u will get over it; treasure the memories- thats all i can say.


  2. pRasad Says:

    You girlssssss are soo unpredictable :)..that must had been embarrassing as well as funny(for others:D)

    ...Nice to see your love towards your Dadaji..


  3. Rohan Says:

    Awww !! I miss fighting with him for the tv remote the most !!

    Treasure the memories, Treasure the times, THink about how proud he would have been to see you successful !

    Ps: I am a guy, but sometimes I rememeber silly things in my life and end up having tip tip in my eyes ! Its a happy and sad feeling in a mixed way !

    Cheers ! Entire post is direct dil se :) Loved it :)


  4. Nilu Says:

    Sorry about your grandfather. I read this post and it reminded me of my Dad. It's been a decade since he passed away, but he comes in my dreams when I really need his strength, when I am going through a bad phase. I loved him to bits & miss him even now. Time will not heal this wound but as it passes you will remember more of the good times & yes, his memories will make you more happy than sad.